The Last Post Here

As I hit Oklahoma I see the snow drift above my head. I look up as it towers over me. I remember that I could still say 'Wow' and not mean wow to the end of my heart.

The end? When he told me how his heart ached when he would see 'her' after a long period of time of not seeing her. A fluttering in his chest. It emptied his guilt. It gave him a peace to tell me, but unknown to him it sealed my path.

I spent two days in the car, and two days in between my Step mother's and grand mother's house holds. Why? Cause I feel like hell. I was sent there by one act, but as the Therapist pointed out to me.

"I'm a survivor, I will get past all this. I will learn from all of this. I will move on. Next step I hope is the US Army"

I hope
I hope....
That's it...I have hope, and fear. The pain is still there, and so is the fear, but I hope again.....

The Facts

I keep on asking what my mom would do if she had lived, and I remember how she reacted during my brother's first marriage. The end was painful to watch. No it wasn't painful, it was bloody awful. I keep on repeating this in my mind

1. My husband is jealous over something I find is stupid. He has still admitted feelings for another woman, but wants to be friends with her. He wants answers, and even if it's thrown me into conflict he wants them
2. All the 'uncaring' I have put myself under is gone. My armor is so damage I don't know if I can put it all back together again
3. this is not like KC. I did something wrong back then, but finally when Jake had enough I was able to break myself at last of the habit. Jake seems unwilling to see or do anything
4. I did a 'what if' with him. a what if I wanted to go back home, and Jake said......he would not follow me
5. If I join the Military. I will have to move. I know the chances of me getting in are slim to none, but that isn't going to stop me from trying. Jake will be unwilling to follow. After all the times I've followed him. He will be unwilling to follow
6. He loves me? I really am not sure about this one. Does he love me or love having me around?
7 Missouri won't work, I think this time he would go up there.
8 He warned me all about this before I came back. That's true! He did. I'm starting to think if he warned me maybe it was a sign I should have ended things. I didn't because I did love him.
9. Why did I come back?  I think I lost focus. I was upset and felt like a burden to those in Missouri. The problem was/is maybe in Missouri I had to much free time on my hands. I should have gotten a job right off the bat. ANY JOB, let's face it I'm not proud.
10. This isn't going away. This isn't going away, this isn't going away. He'll get answers. He'll push this. He nor I know the state of 'L' marriage, but  he'll push this no matter what.

untitled

Three things I have to think about 1 there are three people in my marriage 2 I'm still scarred by what happened Thursday 3 my husband won't come out and say it

Thinking

When you don't want to feel time can draw out like a blade on your skin. I know my courage is fading. That is when I seem to need walking the most. Why walking? I can tune out everything. Even the beat of my own heart just to hear voices from the past. My mother, my aunt, grandmother, those voices I need right now. I can hear echoes of them, but I need the real thing!

So I walk and think.....

Think and Walk....

5am

I hear him in the other room. He's still mumbling. "I don't know why" Why is it I'm not tired? Why is it that I feel like he still has these feelings. Why in the hell? He keeps on saying he's going to die, and wants to be younger. I'm thankful that I'm not. There is an aged wisdom that I don't want my youth back. I have accepted the higher power wisdom that hasn't given me children yet. If he/she sees the way he's acting there is a power to it. Then again, I look at others. I move forward with my own plans with no guide. No clear idea if I will cross those rivers ahead of me. I can only pray for help. So far when I needed a sign they have come. Now I need another one. So I'm sending this prayer or hope out into the world after this hard night. Send me a sign right or wrong. Send me an Angel to help me, to guide me