The New Year

What a God Awful fucking year it's been.
I have suffered in almost silence when it's come to some things in my life
Some of I have made it well known.
While every new year has a chance of rebirth. If things go as I hope this will be one hell of a change in my future

That is....if my luck changes...

Please God let it change because I can't take another crappy year. Two in a row is enough

Love

Court

Turning points

There has always been a strong faith in my core. I can't explain the faith that guides me more than this. 'I believe' Now let me explain this faith. When I was a girl something awful happened to me. I was attacked by a man who should have been a friend. In fact he wasn't. I was attacked for months at a time until it ended.
It was then I entered the world of 'Golden Eagle' a character I made up to soothe and ease the pain. A character who would rush in and save the day. It replaced my parents to the point they hauled me before a shrink, and that shrink in turned called me A.D.D.
Funny?
That was a huge moment, but another one happened. The day I would first meet Jacob Holcomb. What understanding he had in his heart. Yes, we didn't believe the same things, but we could reach common grounds. When I suffered from post traumatic stress. He told me frankly 'I want to be with you, and only you. if you want to be with other people then I'm not going to be your boyfriend' I had dark thoughts. We all do. I roleplayed on games those dark thoughts, but I never wanted to cheat physically on him. He was my soul mate. He understood me better than I could understand myself.....He was the first one I told of the cruel abuse.....For a while the only one....
Then or marriage came....the world was bright....my mom's kiss on my cheek. "I hope I created a good memory for you"  It was and still to this day remains one of the best memories of my mother...
Then her death......
My mind turns to the times we supported and helped each other. Jake has helped me, and I him.....now...he doesn't think Marriage is forever....he wants the chance for other things....he isn't sure he wants a divorce a year from now or five

I take a bath trying to wash ...this time I closed the door....no longer inviting him in.....I'm done.. He then asks what do we do or tell friends?

I'm done....

He wanted me to repair friendships here in SA......the truth is I feel he wanted me to repair HIS friendships...
I feel betrayed I was brought back here to fix a marriage he doesn't really want....

I'm done...

and yet....

How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races--the myths about dragons that at the last moment are tranformed into princesses. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are only princeses waiting for us to act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises before you larger than any you've ever seen, if an anxiety like light and cloud shadows moves over your hands and everything you do. You must realize that something has happened to you; that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hands and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

The dice have been cast. The stage is set

Its time.....It's time to see the world. I still have faith. That blind faith that most people don't see everyday. That strange faith that tells me everything in it's deepest meaning has to happen. I still care. I still love, but that love wants other things. My brother was right. I let my happiness depend on one man. I let everything in my soul mean that. Yet I came back to work things out. I came back, and what did I get? The axe I was dreading. The final ax. That's fine....I'm an adult. I know the score in life. I know the x's are cross. I know the i dotted.  I can handle this fate. Now from this moment on I'm washing it all away. I want to be washed clean of it all. The power play is over with. The power play is done.

Missouri is calling. Then I hope the military soon after....

-Sigh-

I'm tired
Long time ago my husband once said to me 'I'm tired of your family and it's drama every six months'
Interesting? It's that family drama that has given me such a wonderful spine to deal with the drama around me now. The only problem is I'm starting to almost re-slip into my internet worlds rather than the live one I have around me now.

I know the human condition better than most people. I lived with a woman who could never forgive or forget anything my father did that she viewed was wrong. So after a while when my father would end up in some sort of trouble he would stop telling her things.

I won't go into why I'm tired. why i'm annoyed. I will say this the sooner I get to boot camp if I can pass the physical the happier I'll be! Cause I still want out of S.A. ........badly....

Between a Rock and....what

God, I really want to go home to Texas. I  have no idea what home should be. Jake doesn't want to hurt me or disappoint me anymore. I personally just felt like this past month has left me even more at a loss. The only time I have any focus is working out.

At least I look good :)

Panic attacks and choices

I want to go home. I want to go home and be in my own bed. Have the big guy wrap around me. I want to go home, but the attack of fear is something I'm not used to. The choice I'm going to make the big guy already knows about. I want to do it. It has nothing to do with our marriage or him. It's about the national guard

but the panic attacks I'm having I'm told are related to all that happened. I really hate them. They are getting less and less. I hope to control them, but I hate them all the more because I'm going to need to be bold. need it so badly!

The Comment that Makes Me Get it

Finally I get how I'm feeling...How I've been feeling these past few weeks


“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp.”

All you need is Love

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Open Letter to Jake

The pain of loss and the hope that you might come after me. I'm stupid, I'm in love with you and I'm stupid to think you might follow after me once your well. Then again dreams have a habit of becoming reality from time to time. Now I have to fight pass my own pain. I couldn't handle those words you said to me. Those words 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' Then the rest. I want you to fight. I want you to get well. Once you start to fight. I will fight with you. Jacob Holcomb you are my best friend in the world. You have been for the past 15 years. I hope you come after me. I hope you love me more than your desires for something you can't ever have.....cause I love you. I will be a little soul sick without you.

I can't save you cause you put up this bridge where I can no longer look in the eyes of our friends in S.A. without crying.

but I want you to fight..

I love you

Court

Dark, and doubt

No one said life was going to be easy or simple. As I type this I'm in the dark. I love the big guy in the back room. I would do anything he asked of me....Now I'm not sure what to do. Every power in my body says fight it out with him, and that the day has just been an awful one. The loss of a good woman, but his depression clouds everything. For three weeks I have been on the edge. I can hear him now able to snore away, but sleep will not come to me

What do I do...what do I do?

I love him