Texas 2015

three years ago a broken heart drove me away from all I knew. I lost my father and nearly my own life to cancer. While I will never recover from my broken heart all these people I have had the pleasure of meeting. All the things I have seen like the mountains of Colorado or the trees turning in Arkansas. I know one thing...I will go home not only changed in body but in mind. I still love 'him' but after all I've seen he didn't love me the same way which I'm now okay with. Isn't that strange? So before 2015 I will be IN Texas

The Way Home At Last is Clear.

It's odd the very thing that started this hell in 2010 is going to be the very thing that leads me back home. I learned not long ago my ex-husband is getting remarried. While I wish only the best for him and his new bride I can't help but wonder about it all. I just shake my head and for a moment that news got me to care. I drank a lot of rum, but then again it was the last step to know that I am now....Free....Funny thing is I was the one that believed in marriage, I was in the one that believed in it, but now. I will never get married again. Don't get me wrong It does not mean that I'm still in love with my ex, no he killed that. What it means is I will not tie my name to another. There is a higher force involved, and I understand that more now that I ever did while married to my ex. If you don't understand this force then you shouldn't be married. Your just scared if you try it. That is what these four years have given me. Just like I couldn't take Shaun's email how he had someone else. Then go be with someone else, but I am no longer playing this game of make a choice. My heart and head are finally singing the same tune. After four long years my head is no longer beating up my heart for feeling. I have this friend that says with her mate she just said the vow. The state wasn't even involved, are they married? In one word, yes. If you give yourself ONLY to one person. Your body and heart then you are married. It doesn't mean you can't have your fantasies but it does mean you shouldn't go seeking it. That is what my ex did to the end of our marriage. I find it no bit of irony the very marriages he held in high regard, one is no longer. THE very open marriage he looked at is gone. at that news I could only shake my head. Same week I pushed Shaun away because it was the request of his girlfriend. He wanted to keep our friendship on the downlow. I'm sorry......I'm not playing games. I find no bit of Irony that now when I'm ready for a relationship he's got that sort of one. Then again as I said....I....AM....FREE....and that sounds good

Who I can trust

The question of who I can trust has been bugging me lately. I've been haunted by the images of the past few years. Every time I have spoken my mind someone has written me off, fallen in love with someone else, or fate takes them away. I'm starting to think something I read about Queen Elizabeth I of England. She told no one anything. It is best to seek advice in one's soul, one's gut, one's inner feeling. After all that inner feeling saved my life even if it cost me my soul. Now that feeling is telling me to take a few chances again. Risk a little, funny thing is now that I'm ready to let go, Shaun who so badly wanted a chance to date me isn't here. His loss not mine. My heart is wanting or seeking something. I have finally come to terms with a cold hard fact. I'm tied to no one. I can go where I need to go, Be who I want to be. NO one owes me. I don't have to tell anyone about anything. That's an interesting feeling. At times I feel alone and mourn the loss of the one who was everything, but I now understand this had to happen. He couldn't hold a moonbeam in his hand. He didn't really want to try. He was more worried about his needs not 'Our' needs

Peace

I'm not dating anyone really haven't since the end of my marriage. Oh someone was interested, but flashbacks to my ex just made it to hard. Finally,I think this month I have felt this strange since of peace. It's not coming from some 'new' love it's coming from me. Yeah that's right me. If you don't deal with yourself first how can you ever deal with another. I think healing from Cancer and heart ache together has helped. I have lately warned a friend that having the love of my life fall in love with another helped my worse foe along, cancer. The real problem is I saw it happening but I didn't love myself enough to care for myself.

The Last Post Here

As I hit Oklahoma I see the snow drift above my head. I look up as it towers over me. I remember that I could still say 'Wow' and not mean wow to the end of my heart.

The end? When he told me how his heart ached when he would see 'her' after a long period of time of not seeing her. A fluttering in his chest. It emptied his guilt. It gave him a peace to tell me, but unknown to him it sealed my path.

I spent two days in the car, and two days in between my Step mother's and grand mother's house holds. Why? Cause I feel like hell. I was sent there by one act, but as the Therapist pointed out to me.

"I'm a survivor, I will get past all this. I will learn from all of this. I will move on. Next step I hope is the US Army"

I hope
I hope....
That's it...I have hope, and fear. The pain is still there, and so is the fear, but I hope again.....

The Facts

I keep on asking what my mom would do if she had lived, and I remember how she reacted during my brother's first marriage. The end was painful to watch. No it wasn't painful, it was bloody awful. I keep on repeating this in my mind

1. My husband is jealous over something I find is stupid. He has still admitted feelings for another woman, but wants to be friends with her. He wants answers, and even if it's thrown me into conflict he wants them
2. All the 'uncaring' I have put myself under is gone. My armor is so damage I don't know if I can put it all back together again
3. this is not like KC. I did something wrong back then, but finally when Jake had enough I was able to break myself at last of the habit. Jake seems unwilling to see or do anything
4. I did a 'what if' with him. a what if I wanted to go back home, and Jake said......he would not follow me
5. If I join the Military. I will have to move. I know the chances of me getting in are slim to none, but that isn't going to stop me from trying. Jake will be unwilling to follow. After all the times I've followed him. He will be unwilling to follow
6. He loves me? I really am not sure about this one. Does he love me or love having me around?
7 Missouri won't work, I think this time he would go up there.
8 He warned me all about this before I came back. That's true! He did. I'm starting to think if he warned me maybe it was a sign I should have ended things. I didn't because I did love him.
9. Why did I come back?  I think I lost focus. I was upset and felt like a burden to those in Missouri. The problem was/is maybe in Missouri I had to much free time on my hands. I should have gotten a job right off the bat. ANY JOB, let's face it I'm not proud.
10. This isn't going away. This isn't going away, this isn't going away. He'll get answers. He'll push this. He nor I know the state of 'L' marriage, but  he'll push this no matter what.

untitled

Three things I have to think about 1 there are three people in my marriage 2 I'm still scarred by what happened Thursday 3 my husband won't come out and say it